On a tangent, I should reiterate that, yes I have finally realized, and I guess internalized, that even when I was little, I was very much a little girl -- albeit deep in hiding -- and I knew that I was deep inside under layers and layers of terrified denial. It should perhaps be obvious, but I know it isn't to everyone, that I did not transition from male to female identity last year, but I only "transitioned" in the sense of the exterior presentation that I show others in public. My female identity was well fixed from the time of my earliest memories. Hardly a night went buy that I didn't lay in bed in some combination of girlhood fantasy, and an ecstatic letting go of the facade there in the dark and solitude of my bedroom. As I allow long-repressed childhood memories resurface there is so much about my childhood that is becoming clearer to me. The fear and pain and self-loathing I lived with all my life no longer has any power over me. I have transitioned and discovered that my worst terrors have turned into so many ephemeral goblins and boogie men, vanishing like hot breath on a cold day. I find myself wishing that when the bullies called me a "sissy" or a "little girl" I had found the presence of mind, and I suppose the courage, to simply agree with them and announce myself. But I have to remind myself that those days, the nineteen fifties through the early nineteen seventies, when I was growing up, were not nearly as friendly to a transgender child as the world is becoming today. Not to minimize the challenges young people still face today, but major segments of society are becoming very sympathetic, and understanding is spreading like wildfire. It is easy to get swept along with all the change today and wish I had just come out back then, and live in the freedom of so many young people today, but the past is entombed in time, never to be revisited. Wishing things were otherwise is not a useful exercise, but re-examining the past, with the cataracts of fear and denial removed, can free the demons that can haunt us long past the time that they should have any power over us.
I love this new freedom! It is almost indescribable the difference that transition has made in my life! Every day is a new blessing! These changes society is painfully (for some) struggling through, are without a doubt going to save lives. May God truly bless every supportive person in my life and the lives of transgender people everywhere.
Now you will forgive me, I have a book to read...